KingOfBarz
You want to rap battle?
You want to particiape in raping contests?
You want to get or discuss the latest news in Hip-Hop?

Register or Log In!!!

-Staff


Community HipHop Battle Site
 
HomePortalRegisterLog in
Bringing The Site Back !!!

Share | 
 

 NEED FEEDBACK ON THIS!

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
Gcode
Slaughter
Slaughter
avatar

Posts : 92
Join date : 2011-07-24
Location : Somewhere in World

PostSubject: NEED FEEDBACK ON THIS!   Wed Jul 27, 2011 8:13 am

Please i need to know what lines i should edit...please i need expo line by line.
If u do expo line by line the u get a Intelegent Voter...its my up comming track...here it goes:

My mouth spit hot even when my dick jot,
you know im sick alot with my script dropped i shit of top,
Im borned the best but foreign to rest so im talkin shots sumtin burnin in chest so im flaming the sky and stormin landmass,
and when im angry i take a rope and pull a star and be full scald i cant be on starcraft but i can craft a star,
and i define the rap none of my lines are wack forget bazooka my rhymes attack and fuck jets my rhymes can also fly and smack with power,
You think different?
Just a lie of crap so step back or get ur head cracked and sit back and continue to rap 'bout pussy,pussy


My 30 sec collab with few people +chorus but i wont put it here.


Please i really need a line by line expo.
If u do so then u get a award Intelegent Voter rapper
Back to top Go down
CSKiLLz
Admin
Admin
avatar

Posts : 155
Birthday : 1993-01-04
Join date : 2011-07-21
Age : 24
Location : Barz Fa Days

PostSubject: Re: NEED FEEDBACK ON THIS!   Wed Jul 27, 2011 2:37 pm

YOU NED TO ADD A POLL BRO.

_________________
Quote :
[12:28:56] CN Punk : do everyone suck with grammer
Back to top Go down
http://kingofbarz.the-talk.net
Gcode
Slaughter
Slaughter
avatar

Posts : 92
Join date : 2011-07-24
Location : Somewhere in World

PostSubject: Re: NEED FEEDBACK ON THIS!   Wed Jul 27, 2011 2:53 pm

Nah i want a expo LINE BY LINE not voting.just tell me what lines are weqk or what lines dont flow etc so i can edit it...LINE BY LINE...thanks ahead homies!


its was good-said Delta BArz lol.
Back to top Go down
Deep Core
Heavy Weight
Heavy Weight
avatar

Posts : 51
Join date : 2011-07-26
Location : Los Angeles, California

PostSubject: Re: NEED FEEDBACK ON THIS!   Wed Aug 03, 2011 5:50 pm

Aight I'll try here it goes:

1. "My mouth spit hot even when my dick jot" - that line (IMO) makes no sense. It has good multies (spit hot, dick jot) but it doesn't really make sense...I think you can improve the metaphor there. Remember, don't just rhyme words, but it also has to make sense.

2. "you know im sick alot with my script dropped i shit of top" - the flow is a little choppy there...the part where u say "script dropped" kinda messed up the flow there. Plus the concepts dot really connect there, it's like your jumping different topics.

3. "Im borned the best but foreign to rest so im talkin shots sumtin burnin in chest so im flaming the sky and stormin landmass" - that was the best line I saw in my opinion. But you said "so" twice, don't use the same sentence starter twice or else it'll look and sound crappy, make it sound like ur having a conversation. Overall, it had great multies, nice metaphors, but what does "landmass" rhyme with?

4. "and when im angry i take a rope and pull a star and be full scald i cant be on starcraft but i can craft a star" - another good line although I think u mean "full of scald" lol, other then that, nice flow, multies, and metaphors..."pull a star" nice, how bout inyead of saying "craft" u take a word that nearly rhymes with full and pull like "mold" idk I'm just stating my opinions.

5. "and i define the rap none of my lines are wack forget bazooka my rhymes attack and fuck jets my rhymes can also fly and smack with power" - great flow, creativity etc...but, again, what does "power" rhyme with?

6. "You think different?" - ummm...good question? Lol

7. "Just a lie of crap so step back or get ur head cracked and sit back and continue to rap 'bout pussy,pussy" - I like the concept of it, but it's pretty basic and it needs more creativity like u can add in some metaphors or wordplay.

Well overall, the whole verse needs some work, some lines are pretty basic but wit some work and time, it'll be great. Very Happy

Back to top Go down
Gcode
Slaughter
Slaughter
avatar

Posts : 92
Join date : 2011-07-24
Location : Somewhere in World

PostSubject: Re: NEED FEEDBACK ON THIS!   Thu Aug 04, 2011 11:18 am

THANKS FAMO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!im gonna work it put now


P.S:The Award will be sent to you now.
Back to top Go down
Deep Core
Heavy Weight
Heavy Weight
avatar

Posts : 51
Join date : 2011-07-26
Location : Los Angeles, California

PostSubject: Re: NEED FEEDBACK ON THIS!   Thu Aug 04, 2011 4:09 pm

Gcode wrote:
THANKS FAMO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!im gonna work it put now


P.S:The Award will be sent to you now.
Thx fam, hope ur verse gets better and im sure it will
Back to top Go down
intricate_skillz
Monthly Champ
Monthly Champ
avatar

Posts : 33
Join date : 2011-07-22

PostSubject: Re: NEED FEEDBACK ON THIS!   Thu Aug 04, 2011 10:10 pm

1. My mouth spit hot even when my dick jot,
you know im sick alot with my script dropped i shit of top,

Spit hot/dick jot- good multi but dick jot is weitd hommie- lol no h8

2. Im borned the best but foreign to rest so im talkin shots sumtin burnin in chest so im flaming the sky and stormin landmass,
and when im angry i take a rope and pull a star and be full scald i cant be on starcraft but i can craft a star,

This is a good line- but landmass has no relevance here really imo! It sounds more like a poem than a verse-

3. and i define the rap none of my lines are wack forget bazooka my rhymes attack and fuck jets my rhymes can also fly and smack with power,

Again nice multis wit rap/wack/smack- attack is stretched- power dosnt rhyme with anything- when ur rhymin in audio u wanna give ur audience good rhymin schemes along with somethin they can relate to-

4. Just a lie of crap so step back or get ur head cracked and sit back and continue to rap 'bout pussy,pussy

Again with multis, but they are single syllable multis- i would add a lil complexity to it homie- good conceptz through out- but add a lil harder deeper thought into it-
Back to top Go down
Gcode
Slaughter
Slaughter
avatar

Posts : 92
Join date : 2011-07-24
Location : Somewhere in World

PostSubject: Re: NEED FEEDBACK ON THIS!   Fri Aug 05, 2011 10:09 am

Thanks Famo!

I gave u both awards...check ya profiles(statistics)
Back to top Go down
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: NEED FEEDBACK ON THIS!   

Back to top Go down
 
NEED FEEDBACK ON THIS!
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» Kitty Shop/Feedback! Shop in Shibuya + Kitty Shop online
» Feedback! - 2016-05-20 (RINA)
» Feedback!-RINA LINE- - 2016-10-31 (RINA)
» SCANDAL Twitter
» Feedback! - 2016-02-22 (HARUNA)

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
KingOfBarz :: Site Happenings :: General Forums :: Emcee Central :: Drop Some Barz-
Jump to: